Friday, April 13, 2007

So many questions...

Today being Friday the 13th of April should feel somewhat odd or even spooky, but everyday tends to feel like that. Days begin to blend together like colors, all being beautiful yet better in its original state. Am I really in trouble with myself? Have I really crossed the line.
Sometimes the feeling of stress can hurt like a knife piercing the skin. Its easily numbed by self medication Is that my escape from reality? I feel as if it doesn't even work anymore. I constantly feel torn between allowing myself to feel happiness and not pain. I know that any feeling I have is shared by one and hated by another. I feel lowered to a place that I knew existed but tried so hard to avoid.
So many positive things are popping up in my life, directions that seem so right for me...So why do I feel so guilty? Will that guilt every dissapear?

I was accepted to the Art Institute of Advertising and I will attend. I was giving much money to relax and do yoga on a tropic island and nobody even wants to join me (which definitely seems to be better for me). I am going to finally live in the place that I have always wanted, and still guilt. I am insanely in love with a wonderful person who I want to be with .. and even more guilt.

It's possible that I have written too much, but I feel it is neccesary to let it out sometimes. I fully expect the world, I never felt that I don't deserve it. I am still on my sadhana... and will always be.

I have been given so many beautiful things in my life and I have taken so much for granted, but the path is on going and we must take it one day at a time.. no matter how deep the knife gets. The people who are meant to join me on this path will eventually find the door that is right for them even if it means that they have to take a rest stop for a while.

To be an American in muskrat love, soft as an easy chair not even the chair, I am I said, have I never been mellow?

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